The Twelve Steps Of Elder Scrolls Anonymous

I originally wrote this back in the summer of 2003 as “The 12 Steps of Morrowind Anonymous.”  Since then of course the Elder Scrolls universe has expanded mightily, so I’ve revised it a little bit to reflect both the expansion of the game world and of its popularity.

Step 1: Came to believe that we were powerless over Morrowind, and that our lives had become unmanageable…

Step 2: Came to believe that Vive…er, a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Azur God as we understood Her Him.

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourscrolls OURSLEVES! Ourselves. I mean ourselves.

Step 5: Admitted to Almale…er, God, to ourselves and to another NPC human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Step 6: Paid the ordinat Were entirely ready to have Azur God remove all these defects of character.

Step 7: Humbly asked Him to remove our vampirism DAMMIT! shortcomings.

Step 8: Made a list of all NPCs and demi-gods we had killed…shit, I mean persons we had harmed, and became willing to brag about it in Steam comments make amends to them all.

Step 9: Paid the Imperial Guards...no, that’s not right…oh, yes: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others, or would cause us to lose Reputation points or be ejected from a Guild, Great House, or Temple.

Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and fence it before we got caught when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Step 11: Sought through prayer and Minion medication meditation to improve our conscious contact with Azu God as we understood Her  Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out, and a longsword that would do 300 damage to hit, plus cast Soul Trap and Armor Eater so we could wipe out that annoying little bastard Gaenor outside the Temple complex in Mournhold during the Third Era

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to Twitch, and to practice our marksmanship in anticipation of the next expansion pack.

And now for a little prayer:

Azura,
grant me the septims,
to buy the armor I cannot enchant,
to learn the spells I don’t know,
and the wisdom to save my game often.

Amen.