Real Talk About No Means No

[Disclaimer: most of this article is framed with male-female pronouns and cis-het identity assumptions for simplicity of prose.  To be clear: yes, it is true that abuse and consent violations are perpetrated by and against people of all genders, and any given dynamic or example can have any gender role changed and still be valid.  With that said, the great crisis of abuse and disrespecting consent still appears to be centered in the straight community, with the perpetrators usually being male and the targets female, so I’ve chosen to write the discussion in that frame.]

It’s okay, read it again and think about it.  Take as long as you like, it’s text, it’ll still be here.

I’m not having a problem with no meaning no here.

I’m not saying “no never means no.”

I’m not saying “no shouldn’t mean no,” nor that we should ever, ever assume that any given “no” is insincere.

I’m saying that “no” manifestly does not mean “no,” a significant enough percentage of the time with consistency over a long enough period that we’ve developed entire social infrastructures and an entire subset of the language around the clear, present, and ongoing reality that not every “no” means “no.”  We say that and we pretend to believe it both as a matter of seeking social approval and a matter of expressing a core normative believe, that is a belief in how things should be, rather than how they are.

The problem is, the full implied assertion – “no always means no and every time you hear no it means no now, no forever, don’t even think about asking again” – simply isn’t true.

A significant if not majority portion of the time “no” might mean “no,” or it might mean “no right now but later hell yeah” or “maybe” or “I don’t know” or “I’m not even thinking about sex right now and your proposition barely registered, try meeting me for the first time again in a week” or “that depends on if you act like an asshole when I say no” or “not right this minute because I don’t owe you a because, but if you hit me up in a week I’ll eat you alive.”

Sometimes it means “try harder,” sometimes it means “I want to say yes but I’m afraid of the negative reaction of family or friends who may be present” and sometimes it means “I want to say yes but I’m deeply concerned by the social stigmas and judgements attached to female sexuality, so I’m going to pretend to be less turned on by you than I really am because I don’t want you or anyone else who may be observing to think I’m a ‘slut’ or ‘easy.'”  Sometimes it means “I just got laid this afternoon and like to keep at least a couple of days between different partners to let myself feel like I’m exercising some discretion, but get with me the day after tomorrow.”

And lest we get too #notallmen here, it ALSO means “you’ve got to be out of your mind” and “I’m trying really hard to hold back spontaneous laughter because I’m afraid it’ll hurt your feelings and not only am I not an asshole but it’s been my experience that men with hurt feelings have an increased tendency toward aggression” and “I wouldn’t want you to touch me if I was dying and you were E.T.”

It means “I’m f***ing terrified of you and I want to go home,” and it means “I’m absolutely repulsed by your attempts to touch me but see above re: hurt feelings” and “this is the most inappropriate damned thing I’ve ever heard but if I say anything other than the single word no it could cost me my career, my family, everything.” It means “if I get your creepy ass in a dark alleyway I’m going to kick you in the balls as hard as I can and run like hell.” It means “I am currently having ongoing fantasies of violating your dying body because I think you’re an absolute disgrace to the concepts of humanity and romance.”

Because it’s TERRIFYING to be female, everywhere on this planet, pretty much all the time. And a lot of men are seriously jerks.