Tag: sexism

Not All Men

So this is one of those things that I’ve been grinding my teeth about for a long time, and I’ve said all of this before many, many times but I feel like it bears posting and keeping at hand:

Anyone whose response to any conversation about the sexual aggression, exploitation, abuse, harassment, and assault is “Not All Men!” needs to sit down, shut up, and not speak again until you’ve learned how to act like a decent human being.

Let me tell y’all “not all men” types a little secret that’s only a secret to you:

ALL women – ALL women, every single woman you have ever known – has personally experienced sexual aggression, exploitation, or assault at the hands or words or eyes of a man in her lifetime, and most of them have experienced it within the last five years statistically. ALL women, everywhere, including those so normalized to it that they themselves don’t realize that’s what’s happening.

Not just in “those countries” or “those states” or “that part of the whatever” or “those people.” ALL women. Every. Single. One. And I don’t have to ask them all; I’ll concede that if there’s a woman someplace who has never once in her life been in the presence of a man who knew she was female, then maybe she has escaped that experience.

I am telling you if you’re a man and you think I’m making that up, it’s straight up because the women around you think you at least might be, maybe, sometimes, part of the problem, if in nothing else than at least in being so obviously averse to dealing with realities you don’t like that people who love you avoid presenting you with them.

You probably need to deal with that internally before you go rushing to her to ask if I’m right.

TOO MANY MEN, which means “MORE THAN ONE,” engage in sexual aggression, exploitation, or assault against women, and until the number of men engaging in sexual aggression, exploitation, or assault against women is ZERO, the phrase “not all men” simply need not exist.

It is a defense purely of the male ego, almost universally offered by men who feel guilty about their own behavior but not guilty enough to sit down, shut up, and look within themselves for the keys to change it rather than just making the same empty noises as they wheedle for social approval with performative blather.

If you’re not one of those men and you’re saying that crap, the problem is not that you aren’t one of those men, it’s that in the very act of thinking now’s the time to say so you are much farther on your way to becoming one of them than you apparently believe yourself to be.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk, I’ve been John Henry.

March 29, 2021
Real Talk About No Means No

Wishing Doesn’t Make It No

[Disclaimer: most of this article is framed with male-female pronouns and cis-het identity assumptions for simplicity of prose. To be clear: yes, it is true that abuse and consent violations are perpetrated by and against people of all genders, and any given dynamic or example can have any gender role changed and still be valid. With that said, the great crisis of abuse and disrespecting consent still appears to be centered in the straight community, with the perpetrators usually being male and the targets female, so I’ve chosen to write the discussion in that frame.]

It’s okay, read it again and think about it. Take as long as you like, it’s text, it’ll still be here.

I’m not having a problem with no meaning no here.

I’m not saying “no never means no.”

I’m not saying “no shouldn’t mean no,” nor that we should ever, ever assume that any given “no” is insincere.

I’m saying that “no” manifestly does not mean “no,” a significant enough percentage of the time with consistency over a long enough period that we’ve developed entire social infrastructures and an entire subset of the language around the clear, present, and ongoing reality that not every “no” means “no.” We say that and we pretend to believe it both as a matter of seeking social approval and a matter of expressing a core normative believe, that is a belief in how things should be, rather than how they are.

The problem is, the full implied assertion – “no always means no and every time you hear no it means no now, no forever, don’t even think about asking again” – simply isn’t true.

A significant if not majority portion of the time “no” might mean “no,” or it might mean “no right now but later hell yeah” or “maybe” or “I don’t know” or “I’m not even thinking about sex right now and your proposition barely registered, try meeting me for the first time again in a week” or “that depends on if you act like an asshole when I say no” or “not right this minute because I don’t owe you a because, but if you hit me up in a week I’ll eat you alive.”

Sometimes it means “try harder,” sometimes it means “I want to say yes but I’m afraid of the negative reaction of family or friends who may be present” and sometimes it means “I want to say yes but I’m deeply concerned by the social stigmas and judgements attached to female sexuality, so I’m going to pretend to be less turned on by you than I really am because I don’t want you or anyone else who may be observing to think I’m a ‘slut’ or ‘easy.’” Sometimes it means “I just got laid this afternoon and like to keep at least a couple of days between different partners to let myself feel like I’m exercising some discretion, but get with me the day after tomorrow.”

And lest we get too #notallmen here, it ALSO means “you’ve got to be out of your mind” and “I’m trying really hard to hold back spontaneous laughter because I’m afraid it’ll hurt your feelings and not only am I not an asshole but it’s been my experience that men with hurt feelings have an increased tendency toward aggression” and “I wouldn’t want you to touch me if I was dying and you were E.T.”

It means “I’m f***ing terrified of you and I want to go home,” and it means “I’m absolutely repulsed by your attempts to touch me but see above re: hurt feelings” and “this is the most inappropriate damned thing I’ve ever heard but if I say anything other than the single word no it could cost me my career, my family, everything.” It means “if I get your creepy ass in a dark alleyway I’m going to kick you in the balls as hard as I can and run like hell.” It means “I am currently having ongoing fantasies of violating your dying body because I think you’re an absolute disgrace to the concepts of humanity and romance.”

Because it’s TERRIFYING to be female, everywhere on this planet, pretty much all the time. And a lot of men are seriously jerks.

Maybe The Problem Is You?

Not a day goes by that I don’t see a female friend on social media post a picture of *any* female, and immediately you see a response like “OMG Your so BEAUTIFUL dear!” attached to a profile showing a middle aged guy with an unironic porn ‘stache. I’m sure the PM’s are even more ridiculous – and I mean I’m sure because I’ve seen plenty of them. Not sincere compliments, but obvious half-blind troll accounts shotgunning for the most easily manipulated and vulnerable rubes they can find to con with badly phrased “compliments” that sound a lot like the kinds of “compliments” from the early-mid 20th century that’d get you arrested for sexual harassment in 2021 and rightfully so.

The first time my daughter got sent an unsolicited picture of a grown man’s genitals she was 11 or 12, through one of the like three websites she could access (NeoPets). She wasn’t doing anything, she just made herself obviously enough female online that someone targeted her.

I am telling you right now clearly and plainly to your face in as unambiguous a manner as I can:

If you are a man and you think you don’t know a woman who’s been sexually harassed and/or at least verbally assaulted by a man, the women around you don’t trust you, and it’s almost certainly because you are one of the men who is sexually harassing and/or at least verbally assaulting them.

“No” ALSO means “Due to the ridiculous social structures created by patriarchy I don’t really feel safe saying anything BUT plainly and simply ‘no’ to any man unless I’m at least somewhat prepared for and ready to accept an immediate high-pressure ‘seduction’ attempt that may include anything from wheedling and cajoling to offers of payment in cash or goods to threat and perpetration of extreme violence to include death, disfigurement, and or permanent disability. So I’m going to say no, and I’m going to stick around, and maybe if I feel comfortable enough with you later after getting to know you better I’ll let you ask again.”

I’m not pointing all this out because I have some basic problem with the idea of no meaning no, or with respecting a woman’s wishes to not be accosted by me just because she’s outside and I think that means I’ve got the right to ask (I don’t, really).

I’m pointing it out because this is another example of how we have built up these dishonest structures and public lies in some cases throughout human history, and the necessary reality that simply sloganeering the problem, and dishonestly at that, isn’t going to solve anything.

What is going to solve everything is taking the time and making the effort – which we’re doing right now, believe it or not, even this post is part of it – to fix our thinking at the root, which means getting honest with ourselves about some things we really, really seem to hate being honest about.

I’m pointing it out because it’s a lie, and it’s a lie we need to get honest about – radically, without flinching, and right now – if we ever expect to put an end to all the hangups and dysfunction and ignorance and arrogance that supports and energizes rape culture.

Fixing The Problem

We don’t need to move into a paradigm where we all keep pretending to prop up a lie that’s used to gently avoid telling someone we don’t think they’re attractive. We need to move into a paradigm where we’re taught, explicitly, how to deal with the fact that someone we’re attracted to doesn’t think we’re attractive, and we need to stop acting like the very suggestion that such things need to be explicitly taught reflects weakness and particular lack of masculinity. (Caught you.)

We need to move into a paradigm where women are able to openly discuss the honest reality that they like sex, and some of them like sex a lot, and some of them like kinky sex, and some of them even like being dominated or controlled or even spanked and more in the bedroom, without attracting the unwanted aggressive attention of every 45 year old virgin within a 500 mile radius.

We need to move into a paradigm where women can admit that some of them are just as perverted as any man and maybe then some, but they’re afraid to talk about that openly because when they do, every man in hearing range thinks she’s giving them permission to sexually assault her.

We need to move into a paradigm where it’s perfectly unremarkable for some variant of the following conversation to occur:

Person 1: Say, Person 2, even though we’re in entirely the wrong social context to get into it deeply right now, I think you’re really attractive and I’d love to maybe get some food and get to know each other better sometime if you’re interested! I apologize for the improper context, but one must take one’s opportunities where one finds them, no?
Person 2: I understand completely. I’m not interested, but I appreciate the offer!
Person 1: Okay, back to this thing we were working on just as if the last conversation was no more strange or remarkable than asking about the weather.

We need to move into a paradigm where we stop assuming all men want sex and all women don’t. We need to move into a paradigm where someone besides the knuckle-dragging men’s rights activists is pointing out that men are very much subject to sexual aggression, harassment, and assault every day too, and that there’s a definite connection between our refusal to deal with that reality, and the ongoing persistence of all this ugliness and interpersonal disrespect.

We need to move into a paradigm where that conversation above doesn’t “make things weird,” because there’s not a single reason that it should except that women are rightfully afraid of men they’ve said no to, because men tend to not take no for an answer. One of the reasons men tend not to take no for an answer is that the social norm is and has been for centuries that “no” means “you’re doing something wrong, try harder.” There are entire mythologies that rely on this dynamic. Even in the midst of being programmed with ‘no means no’ we are told every day in a thousand ways that no definitely does not mean no, that’s just a story we tell for gatekeeping purposes to keep us safe on the rare occasion when it really does.

What I’m saying is that this is an old, destructive, hurtful lie, and this is a great time, right now while we’re in the middle of taking this huge evolutionary step, to face that and admit it and let’s start constructing new linguistics and new paradigms that accurately reflect reality instead of perpetuating these old, stupid games.

Not because “what about me,” but because the social mechanisms which keep that reality under cover are the exact same social mechanisms that perpetuate the things that people broken and evil enough to deliberately engage in sexual assault use to rationalize and excuse their behavior or act as though it’s something other than what it is.

Making It Matter

See, that’s the problem with “no means no.” It’s not merely that it’s inaccurate or that I have some personal feeling of threat or discomfort caused by that idea and am thus motivated to “mansplain” it.

It’s that the fact it’s inaccurate, itself, both reflects and helps to perpetuate the root causes of very violence that it seeks to solve.

In reality, if “no means no” then sentences like this need to be normalized immediately:

Not now, I have to maintain the social appearance of chastity to avoid unpleasant and invasive discussions with family and friends. But I want you, so let’s make some arrangements to build on.
No. [You don’t need a reason. While a general-principle “thanks” does no harm and helps take the sting out of rejection, it’s not required.]
Not yet, I’d like to see how you act when you’re not on your best behavior and trying to impress me first.
Well, I think you’re super attractive, but on principle I don’t get sexual until I reach a certain level of comfort with my partner. Usually the level of comfort I feel is directly related to how much pressure I’m not under to have sex with you.
I’m really not the right space for this now, but get hold of me maybe next weekend or something? I’d like to talk about it later, but right now I can’t even think about sex and attraction. Nothing to do with you.
Hell yes, let’s get naked.

Let’s normalize saying out loud that just because a woman likes sex doesn’t mean she’s even remotely interested in knowing whether she’d like it with you, and even if she would like it with you that doesn’t mean she would like it with you right now or all the time.

Let’s normalize it being okay to simply not be sexually attracted to someone without accusing them of “shaming” some attribute the person they’re attracted to feels self-conscious about.

Let’s stop sneering at people in age-disparate adult relationships and calling the older member a “pedophile” – nevermind that it’s insulting to the older member, it’s outrageously insulting to the younger member that the default assumption is they’re too damned ignorant to know when they’re being used and exploited.

Let’s normalize saying out loud that while it was a long, hard, and worthwhile fight to create a world in which no woman is ever forced into a subservient, servile, or dependent relationship with a man, she also has every right to take that role that if she wants to.

Let’s normalize saying what we mean and having honest and forthright conversations about consent, including saying firmly and repeatedly that the simple fact of someone expressing that they are sexually arousable does not mean they are or want to be aroused by you.

Let’s make sure no means no.

March 24, 2021
Stop Shaming Teenagers Because You Think They’re Hot

Courtesy Yahoo! News

Trigger Warning: sex, sexuality, adolescent and teen sexuality, brief mention/discussion of sexual violence and rape.

Generally speaking, I avoid anything related to “celebrity news,” but this needs saying loud and clear, so I’m gonna say it:

I’m glad I don’t live in a world – or in a mind – where I feel the need to body-shame a fifteen year old because I’m terrified that if I admit (out loud or even to myself) that I can see her cleavage and it makes me think vaguely about the concept of sex for second and a half, I’ll be socially outcast as a pervert even though that thought-line is entirely normal for a heterosexual adult man catching a glance of a decolletage developed enough to be called that.

We are sexually reproducing life forms; as long as we think we’re capable, we instinctively judge everyone we see, before nearly anything else, on their fitness as a reproductive partner. If you want to be embarrassed about that you can, although in my opinion that’s totally unnecessary and maybe even not super healthy. But please stop trying to pretend it doesn’t happen. It happens automatically, at the gut level, with little to no conscious thought, but it happens, and it happens to you.

Humans are made to find human bodies attractive, and I find that most of them are, of any age, if you just look at them, and that includes all the bits that some of us don’t like to talk about. That doesn’t mean I am attracted to all of them, but I can see they are attractive without feeling perverted or creepy about it, because I have zero perverted or creepy intent.

“Let The Men Stay Home”

Let me drop that bomb again in case you missed it: it is entirely possible and entirely normal to find someone sexually attractive and not be sexually attracted to them.

Well-adjusted adults with healthy sexual outlooks are capable of that (and most who aren’t well-adjusted – I’m not, and I’m capable of it).

If you find that hard to believe, maybe you’re not as well-adjusted as you’d prefer to think.

Human beings become sexually mature before they become emotionally or psychologically prepared for parenthood and relationships. That is a reality.

We have a whole system of social conventions and laws built up to both protect young adults from predation and also to keep adults reminded that there are moral and ethical reasons why young adults shouldn’t be sexually active outside their age group until they grow in to the psychological and emotional maturity required to deal with the potential results of sexual activity, from love and babies to sti’s and domestic violence. Indeed, almost by definition when they have reached that level of psychological and emotional maturity, they are no longer “young adults” but simply “adults.” (Obligatory dad lecture: anyone who is sexually active should always engage in safe sex practices including the use of condoms, birth control, and how to understand, respect, give, refuse, and withdraw consent.)

I’m really tired of people – mostly men but also many women, and mostly female targets but it happens to young men too – trying to shame and bully women and young people about their bodies because they, the adults/men, are apparently so lacking confidence in their own self-control they’re afraid if they admit that someone too young for a grown adult to have sex with can still be sexy, they’ll be helpless to stop themselves from trying to have sex with teenagers.

It’s exactly the perverts who can’t rip their eyes away who make all this noise, and it’s exactly them who turn out to be the predators and exploiters (no problem making billions on preteen beauty pageants, right?) themselves. They always make it about what they’re worried someone else will do, but it’s really about what they’re afraid *they’d* do if they had the chance and thought they could get away with it, and how guilty and ashamed that makes them feel.

They see it as temptation because they find it tempting.

“Inappropriate and Disturbing”

Nothing is inappropriate or disturbing about Millie Bobby Brown or her outfit, and it wouldn’t be even if she was completely naked. I think she looks great, and no I don’t think it’s inappropriate to say that out loud nor should it give her or me the slightest pause for concern, shame, discomfort, or embarrassment.

What is inappropriate and disturbing is that we continue to allow people who have no self control, who are themselves the primary sources of prurient interest and hide behind grand public expressions of outrage as a smoke screen, to bully women and children into being uncomfortable with or ashamed of their bodies and sex.

More importantly I think she’s a really talented young actor with a bright future and I think it’s obnoxious as hell we do this to teen actors, as soon as they start showing signs of sexual maturity the conversation immediately becomes totally about their bodies and how they look, and nothing at all about their work and what they do and what makes them good at it. It’s insulting to them and it’s insulting to me as their fan, especially because it’s always done with euphemism and double-talk so if anyone calls you out on it you can just go ‘OMG I TOTALLY WASN’T EVEN THINKING THAT YOU PERV.”

Bullshit, and to hell with you for even trying to run that bad lie past anyone. I don’t want to think about people’s genitals, I want to watch a movie and enjoy a good performance. Stop trying to make everyone else think about what YOU want think about. YOU’RE the ones reducing the poor kid to a set of boobs, I just want to watch my show and see a great young actor rewarded with fame, respect, and recognition.

Stop worrying about controlling OTHER people and worry about controlling yourselves, perverts. If you’re that worried about someone else’s body, you probably ought to sort that out in therapy instead of trying to bully women and children.

Stop demanding the innocent and decent of all ages and genders cover themselves in fear and shame, and start demanding the prurient, indecent, and rapacious keep their damned hands – and their black bars – to themselves.

Matthew 5:29.

January 22, 2020