a poem by RogueGenius, Alexstrasza-US
Back in the mid 2000’s I like many gamers was quite addicted to Blizzard’s “World Of Warcraft.” In fact I’d probably still be playing if I could afford it, but unfortunately their pricing is about as friendly as their labor policies. In any event, at that same time I was one of the founders of a local non-profit theater company in North Carolina, and one of the other founders was quite the Poe fan. We were also guild mates – “Champions Of The Raven” on Azeroth.
That all has long passed now, but remaining is this little bit of nonsense I cooked up one night around…probably 2006 or something originally.
Once upon a marsh, quite muddy,
while I quested with my buddy,
looking high and low for loot in some forsaken bog,
Suddenly there came fapping,
like a fish but not as slapping,
Carried clearly to our ears
despite the cold dense fog.
” ‘Tis a mudskipper,” I told my friend,
“Now let us have more grog!
Don’t get spooked, it’s just a frog.”
Ah, so clearly I remember
it was just this past September
And Brewfest was alive with sounds
of drunken dwarven priests
My friend happened to mention
a bit of loot for my attention
So ‘leet that it induced me to
forsake the autumn feasts.
To seek the epic frogman,
known as king among the beasts
Zangarmarsh, I’d heard; to the southeast.
As we sat there drinking, and
my mind had started thinking
Wond’ring if our gear would match
against this nameless foe?
A quiet then befell upon
our damp and muddy hell and e’en
the crocolisks and flies
stopped moving to and fro.
“One more brew,” said I,
“and then we’ll pack and go.”
Sad to think…we didn’t know.
Presently a crash abounded,
trembling earth and then it sounded:
A call of demon evil
unlike any heard before!
With my boomstick quickly rising,
I sought what was terrorizing
the flora and the fauna on
this ill-begotten shore.
What fright had come upon us
on this ill-begotten shore?
And then, the quiet…nothing more.
Trepidation seared my veins
as my fear escaped it’s reins
I began to cast about me for
some meaning to this warble.
Then it was, I saw, an Eye
rising to the darkened sky
Nictating, nor blinking,
like a newly-minted marble.
Staring deadly in the night as though made
from dead, cold, marble.
Quoth the Murloc, “ARLRLRLBGLBGLBGL!”
“By the Titans!” I expounded
As my heart in my ribs pounded
leaping to my throat like
some regurgitated meal
“This monster is outragous
If we’re caught he’ll surely cage us
And braze us and fillet us with
revenge-empowered zeal!
Bronzebeard help us, this is it!
He’ll club us like a seal!
Then we’re done! A murloc meal!”
The frogman’s arm was raised and
I saw the end of days as
the best I could have prayed was for
the end to quickly come.
But then to my deep shock
this gargantuan Murloc
gently grabbed me by my frock
between his huge finger and thumb.
“For Khaz Modan,” I muttered,
and then, I was struck dumb.
For the Murloc then commenced
communicating the events
which had led him hence, to this forgotten shore
It seems there was a chest
That had been duly blessed
with a full set of armor
even better than tier 4
An entire set of armor,
even stronger than tier 4!
From my friend…still a snore.
The voice was in my head it seem’d
but clearly this was not a dream
this thing, this frog, this man was real
and had been here before
back in the days of beta
and the devs left in his data
heretofore forgotten in some
thumb drive in a drawer
“I was king,” he sighed, but there was more
It seems Azeroth’s fauna
had evolved within a sauna and
come up on the land with fins
and gills and slimy hide
The head-voice said “but sadly,
The alpha went so badly, that
the devs decided we would best
inhabit the outside
In the wetlands!” It exclaimed
And then I swear it cried.
This injustice, I decided,
simply could not be abided
And with renewed resolve I stood
and said to my new friend:
“Just tell me what you need,”
said I and looked into that giant eye
and saw my future there inscribed
beginning until end.
The Murloc finally told me of
the place to me he’d send
This crime, I swore, I would amend
“In Jenkin’s office desk,” he said
“Up in accounting, he’s the head
You’ll find the plans from alpha testing
showing our true fate.
You see,” continued he,
“We were intended to be free
and help new players level so that
they won’t have to wait
They’ll have their mounts at level one and
epic swords at eight!”
“Heroic Deadmines?” said I, “I can’t wait!”
“With our freedom, joy you’ll bring
and you will be annointed king
of Azeroth United, Orcs and Humans side by side.
Arthas will no longer threaten
Kel’Thuzud will be forgotten
Sargeras’ plans will fall apart and
you’ll be filled with pride!
All his plans will crumble down and
you’ll be filled with pride!”
“Let’s do this,” I said. “Can I get a ride?”
To Zangarmarsh we flew and
let my friend sleep off his brew while
I went AFK to get the data from the desk
On my return rejoicing as
the Murloc still was voicing
Aspirations for his race that
we once had thought grotesque
A goal for every murloc more than
just some frog burlesque
“Where’s the loot,” I said, grinning my rogueish best.
But still he kept expounding on
the world that he was founding and
one remark which struck a darker
tone than ones before
It seemed his greatest wish was
for everyone to fish and thus
the murloc then could eat without
this mind-erasing chore
Their plan was to enslave us all,
so they could eat some more.
“You no take candle,” the Murloc said
And then, there was no more.
Thinking quick I grabbed my blades and
vanished fast into the shade behind
the Murloc contemplating
food with a contented warble
A dagger in the back he took and
sadly rolled his eye to look
upon my dagger scoring deeply
through that vast and lidless marble.
My dagger sinking deep into that never-blinking marble.
Quoth the Murloc, “ARLRLRLBGLBGLBGL!”
(okay, it’s a little clumsy in spots. YOU try finding a rhyme for ARLRLRLBGLBGLBGL.)
All game images are copyright Blizzard Entertainment.