Not a day goes by that I don’t see a female friend on social media post a picture of *any* female, and immediately you see a response like “OMG Your so BEAUTIFUL dear!” attached to a profile showing a middle aged guy with an unironic porn ‘stache. I’m sure the PM’s are even more ridiculous – and I mean I’m sure because I’ve seen plenty of them. Not sincere compliments, but obvious half-blind troll accounts shotgunning for the most easily manipulated and vulnerable rubes they can find to con with badly phrased “compliments” that sound a lot like the kinds of “compliments” from the early-mid 20th century that’d get you arrested for sexual harassment in 2021 and rightfully so.
The first time my daughter got sent an unsolicited picture of a grown man’s genitals she was 11 or 12, through one of the like three websites she could access (NeoPets). She wasn’t doing anything, she just made herself obviously enough female online that someone targeted her.
I am telling you right now clearly and plainly to your face in as unambiguous a manner as I can:
If you are a man and you think you don’t know a woman who’s been sexually harassed and/or at least verbally assaulted by a man, the women around you don’t trust you, and it’s almost certainly because you are one of the men who is sexually harassing and/or at least verbally assaulting them.
“No” ALSO means “Due to the ridiculous social structures created by patriarchy I don’t really feel safe saying anything BUT plainly and simply ‘no’ to any man unless I’m at least somewhat prepared for and ready to accept an immediate high-pressure ‘seduction’ attempt that may include anything from wheedling and cajoling to offers of payment in cash or goods to threat and perpetration of extreme violence to include death, disfigurement, and or permanent disability. So I’m going to say no, and I’m going to stick around, and maybe if I feel comfortable enough with you later after getting to know you better I’ll let you ask again.”
I’m not pointing all this out because I have some basic problem with the idea of no meaning no, or with respecting a woman’s wishes to not be accosted by me just because she’s outside and I think that means I’ve got the right to ask (I don’t, really).
I’m pointing it out because this is another example of how we have built up these dishonest structures and public lies in some cases throughout human history, and the necessary reality that simply sloganeering the problem, and dishonestly at that, isn’t going to solve anything.
What is going to solve everything is taking the time and making the effort – which we’re doing right now, believe it or not, even this post is part of it – to fix our thinking at the root, which means getting honest with ourselves about some things we really, really seem to hate being honest about.
I’m pointing it out because it’s a lie, and it’s a lie we need to get honest about – radically, without flinching, and right now – if we ever expect to put an end to all the hangups and dysfunction and ignorance and arrogance that supports and energizes rape culture.
