See, that’s the problem with “no means no.” It’s not merely that it’s inaccurate or that I have some personal feeling of threat or discomfort caused by that idea and am thus motivated to “mansplain” it.
It’s that the fact it’s inaccurate, itself, both reflects and helps to perpetuate the root causes of very violence that it seeks to solve.
In reality, if “no means no” then sentences like this need to be normalized immediately:
Not now, I have to maintain the social appearance of chastity to avoid unpleasant and invasive discussions with family and friends. But I want you, so let’s make some arrangements to build on.
No. [You don’t need a reason. While a general-principle “thanks” does no harm and helps take the sting out of rejection, it’s not required.]
Not yet, I’d like to see how you act when you’re not on your best behavior and trying to impress me first.
Well, I think you’re super attractive, but on principle I don’t get sexual until I reach a certain level of comfort with my partner. Usually the level of comfort I feel is directly related to how much pressure I’m not under to have sex with you.
I’m really not the right space for this now, but get hold of me maybe next weekend or something? I’d like to talk about it later, but right now I can’t even think about sex and attraction. Nothing to do with you.
Hell yes, let’s get naked.
Let’s normalize saying out loud that just because a woman likes sex doesn’t mean she’s even remotely interested in knowing whether she’d like it with you, and even if she would like it with you that doesn’t mean she would like it with you right now or all the time.
Let’s normalize it being okay to simply not be sexually attracted to someone without accusing them of “shaming” some attribute the person they’re attracted to feels self-conscious about.
Let’s stop sneering at people in age-disparate adult relationships and calling the older member a “pedophile” – nevermind that it’s insulting to the older member, it’s outrageously insulting to the younger member that the default assumption is they’re too damned ignorant to know when they’re being used and exploited.
Let’s normalize saying out loud that while it was a long, hard, and worthwhile fight to create a world in which no woman is ever forced into a subservient, servile, or dependent relationship with a man, she also has every right to take that role that if she wants to.
Let’s normalize saying what we mean and having honest and forthright conversations about consent, including saying firmly and repeatedly that the simple fact of someone expressing that they are sexually arousable does not mean they are or want to be aroused by you.
Let’s make sure no means no.
