Hey there folks and welcome to another Morning Me, I’m your host and let’s get right into it.
Experienced a bit of a setback yesterday as the tickling sensation of rising depression in the back of my head took over and everything went “meh.” Even while I was writing the MM I was like “nah, I’m fine,” and then as soon as it went out my motivation collapsed like a balloon with all the air let out. (NB: I also forgot to schedule it properly so it went out last night to some places, and this morning to LinkedIn. Harumph.)
No matter what I tried to pick up and do, it felt like a useless waste of time that nobody would care about and I just shouldn’t bother…and that’s depression, for me. Unfortunately I’ve learned the hard way over the years that all I can do is “walk it off.” Trying to force my brain to cooperate when it doesn’t want to, just makes it cooperate less…and yes, I sometimes have to think of my own mind as something separate from me just to be able to get a good look at it.
“Normally” there’s a voice track like that in my head at all times, just a constant muttering subtext of all the most negative fears and anxieties I can imagine cavorting around and insisting they’re reality. A year or so on a low dosage of lithium gave me time to develop some internal tools to sort of turn the volume down on that track of my brain so it’s not obtrusive, but those tools can get less reliable when I’m tired or pushing myself hard, and I have definitely been pushing myself hard for the last few weeks. To say nothing of the lingering effects of having terminated nearly every toxic relationship in my life over the last two and a half years, a loss that is fundamentally good for me and everyone around me but still hurts and always will because a lot of those folks should’ve been gone a long time ago and I really hoped they’d get it together and learn some things about how to act before it came to the point I had to walk away. I don’t want to go on about that crap though, it’s the past and it’s going to stay there; dwelling on that stuff definitely will send me into a spiraling depression, and no.
Plus I’ve felt better mentally (as I’ve mentioned) than I have in YEARS. And even now I don’t have any sense that I’m going to be out days or weeks in a depressive paralysis, just feeling that weight crush a little harder than it should be, due to me going full throttle with little in the way of rest or break for about three weeks straight now. So I was kind of expecting this to happen, and honestly have been surprised that it didn’t happen sooner, but fortunately after fifty years of living in this brain I’m starting to get a handle on it a little bit. Indeed, part of the reason I’m doing all this infrastructure stuff and working on the guts of the site and the project management tools and all that is to help mitigate the impact of depression; have something in the bank for those days when it’s just not there for me. Because sometimes, it isn’t. I think mostly it’s just my brain saying hey let’s take five I’m kinda tired from all this running. That and I haven’t had any kind of income for six days, am broke, and have some bills coming up in the next two or three days (autoposter and something else) so that adds anxiety and tension and is probably a contributor as well.
At any rate, the brain decided to call in yesterday so not much got done in terms of public-facing work, although I did pick at some bits and pieces. Mostly I spent the day trying to be outside in the sunshine, do some walking, get some air, and stave off a deeper dive because not only can’t I afford it, it sucks and I just don’t want to go there anymore so I’m doing all I can to avoid it, including making myself get out of bed when I woke up this morning instead of going back to sleep, and not skipping this newsletter 🙂 I know I have a habit of going all out into things and then burning out fast, so overall behind everything going on right now I’m also trying to be extra super mindful of my mental state and how my mind and body are communicating with me, so maybe I can gain understanding how not to trigger depression to whatever extent that’s in my control.
Yesterday I made the choice (barely a choice, really, but it was) to let my brain have its way and take a day off. Today I’m making the other choice and forcing myself to get some things done because another part of depression for me is that it’s self-reinforcing; I get depressed and let something slip, then I get MORE depressed ABOUT letting something slip, then I (usually metaphorically) curl up in a ball for a few weeks and everything slips, and I’m just not doing that crap this time. I can’t afford it and I’m sick of allowing the broken parts of my mind have unchallenged veto power over the parts that aren’t. So I’m trying to find ways to take some of that power while balancing it with whatever legitimate needs (like rest and food) my brain is dysfunctionally trying to communicate to me when it decides to go south.
Yes, your suspicions are correct, writing this newsletter and putting these thoughts into it is part of how I work that out. It’s important that I say out loud that I’m making choices, that I reinforce to myself the idea that I really am in control of my own mind now matter how confusing and alien it sometimes seems, and I really do have the power and strength to keep myself moving forward even when my own mind is trying to push me back, and it’s okay to temper that power and strength with the wisdom and humility to recognize when my mind is telling me that it’s hit a limit.
Let me shoot this out and get back on that debt piece, it’s already almost entirely written, just needs some additional fleshing out and editing, not sure yet if it’s gonna stop at two parts or go to three, but I’ll get at least one out before COB today…and if I can sit down and focus properly, depending on the cooperation level of my brain, I ought to be able to get something out before noon.
NB: All of this does play back in what I was saying yesterday about switching gears a bit and moving back into more production than structure for a while as I could feel my brain getting bored with all the fiddling and tweaking on the back end. Lots more to do, but nothing that I can’t let myself set aside in favor of content work for a bit.
Love y’all. Don’t forget I’m crowdfunded 🙂
