I’m sorry that you have been so viciously used and abused by not one, not two, but three different wives. Your multiple divorces are a stark testament to your unflagging respect for the institution of marriage. Obviously, the evil feminazis you unceremoniously dumped were merely ringers for the vast left-wing conspiracy, trying to bring you down and ruin your reputation by attempting to actually give a damn about you. You poor thing.
I’m sorry you spent so many years in the Boy Scouts without ever once earning a single merit badge. Obviously, the liberal thugs who lead the BSA recognized your sheer genius at an early age, and took every possible step to stop you from succeeding in life. But you got the last laugh, as you earned the most important merit badge of all: the praise and adulation of bootlicking Republican sellouts and their hate-filled, bigoted sycophants all across this great nation.
I’m sorry that the Ivy League curriculum of Southern Missouri State University was so liberal and so beyond your own intellectual scope that you were compelled to drop out after a year. Obviously the hidden cadre of brain surgeons, rocket scientists, political leaders, and multi-billionaires who have sprung from this pinnacle of advanced learning were against you from the start; threatened by your obviously superior intellect, they simply had to sabotage you. Kudos to you for rising above and refusing to let the MAN keep you down.
I’m sorry that your corporate lapdogs at Clear Channel and Premiere Radio saw fit to award you a $400 million contract last year. With your well-known back troubles, it’s unconscionable of them to expect you to carry that weight. Fortunately for you, in Palm Beach there’s a sizable population of illegal immigrants who will happily assist you for 20% of minimum wage or less, even while you agitate your ignorant, bigoted fan base to violence against them!
